I had a great time with The Captain today. We went to Microcenter to return a defective bare bones keyboard; my build is on hold. I had a lovely time yesterday afternoon building the board and customizing it to the background noise of Skinny Puppy. I definitely romanticized the moment and it was fun as hell. Unfortunately, when I went to test it, multiple keys were unresponsive. It wasn't a software issue either, you could physically see the loose sockets...it put a huge dent in my mood and I became laser-focused on trying to make it work.
I forgot to eat and lost track of time and when I looked up, it was nearly time for bed. I was supposed to meet up with Donald and Ron, but it was too late, I hadn't eaten, the keyboard situation soured my evening, and I suddenly felt completely overwhelmed by insecurity and anxiety. This has happened a few times in the last couple months and I honestly think it might be the new normal now. Now that I'm better at regulating my mood, emotions, and behavior, I think I'm learning to recognize where my self, Bipolar Disorder, and AuDHD all begin and end. In essence, I'm plain old neurodivergent, but I think that aspect of my life took a back seat to the disruptive, explosive nature of Bipolar Disorder. Managing that disorder took all of my faculties and now that I'm on good medication and have better skills, I think I'm learning how I work independent of my illness. I know what it's like to feel healthy and normal consistently now so I'm getting better at picking up on spots where I can improve. For example, my social skills and self-image need major work.
Being out in public has been increasingly surreal lately. Since I'm struggling with my self identity, I'm struggling to know how other people perceive me because I don't even know how I perceive me. Am I being too quiet? Am I being too monotone? Do I look welcoming and friendly? Am I projecting a sense of warmth that people can respond to? Or am I not standing out enough? Do people find me physically repulsive? Am I too cringe? What is it about me that makes people not want to interact with me? These kinds of questions have been swirling around in my brain a lot lately.
I don't really mask much. Maybe I should have, but the media is always telling people to just be themselves. That's all fine, as long as that self is likeable and understands how to navigate coexistence with others. I'm like an alien who wants to learn everything about humans but can't actually know them because my prescence just innately causes distrust and alarm. I feel like such an "other". It doesn't help that I'm also non-binary, agender, to be precise. Or maybe even more specifically, neurogender. I don't experience an internal sense of "being" a gendered person. I don't connect with ideas like divine feminine or masculine, or even the term non-binary. Gender is a void and I'm one with it. Gender is "null". And while I'm very clearly AFAB and femme-presenting and generally indifferent to pronouns, I think I might give off an aura of uncanny valley. I'm cosplaying a woman and while it's kinda fun sometimes, it's just a costume and I'm just piloting a meat mech in all it's spatially-challenged glory. I don't talk like a man or a woman either, but some third, secret awful thing; I think it throws people off.
So I'm probably not particularly likeable and I'm trying to learn how to be. Confidence, I think, will be key so I can start there. I'm already more confident in my physicality than I was, but the battle I'm waging against hormonal weight gain has kinda dampened that success. I need to start going out more and I have plans to do that. There are people I want to reach out and engage with, I just haven't worked up the nerve to. Like what if it goes sideways like the last time? Oh well, I guess. I'll never know if I never bother.
The Captain said VR Chat might be good for socializing and small talk practice. I do NOT have the funds for a headset, but I may start saving up for something in 2027. I'm trying to be more active on the indie web too in small ways.
You know, it would be so much easier for neurodivergent people to interact with the world if neurotypical people could just be honest about who they really are and what they want in their relationships, platonic or otherwise. I'm tired of feeling like I have to guess what I'm supposed to do, say, respond with, act, or know. I feel like I spent the last few years guessing and getting it right and then absolutely botching it in the fourth quarter, 2025. It's weird to think that people out there probably think I'm manipulative; I'm not, I'm a scared idiot who ends up accidentally throwing a grenade from time to time because I don't know what's okay and not okay to say. I don't even know how to be manipulative, I'm so freaking gullible that it's ridiculous.
Speaking of believing bullshit, I still can't listen to Rob Zombie without getting emotional. It's so fucking lame. Rob Zombie is yelling nonsense over a driving guitar and I'm tearing up. The body keeps the score. It's a miracle I ever had a chosen family at all, honestly.