I am having an identity crisis today and I anticipate it'll last a couple days until I figure it out.
Looking at those photos last night did more than remind me of the past, I guess. All day I've been in a funk, and it's not just my hormones going wild after coming off my medication. I keep thinking back on who I was before, and it's very surreal and I can see that I'm lacking direction moving forward.
I've always been alternative in style, attitude, lifestyle, etc. but over the winter and since October I've been experimenting. I've added color into my wardrobe for the first time; jewel and earth tones, lots of burnt sienna, browns, gold, teal...it's been kind of nice to try somethiing new and open my options up when I'm thrifting, but I have no idea what I'm going to do this summer when it's hot outside. It's not helping that I have no idea what to expect on Semaglutide; will I lose a little weight? A lot? Will I lose any at all...? Who knows. My new diagnosis of PCOS has left me with a lot of questions and frusteration and my doctors can't answer to them all. I just have to trust the process and hope I chose a legitimate telehealth service. It absolutely blows that I have to be on Semaglutide just to maybe get a chance at correcting my apparently all-natural metabolic imbalance but if this allows me to feel better in the long run and avoid shelling out tons of money later down the line to treat diabetes or survive menopause, I guess it's worth the risk and investment. I'm not asking to be thin; I like my body the way it is admittedly but I can't stand knowing that something is wrong. Since coming off Spiranolactone, my PCOS symptoms have been rampant and I've been inhaling food indiscriminately because I just don't feel full. Protein helps but it's not enough. The gym helps but my body just keeps demanding garbage. It's not even an addiction or willpower thing, I'm just hungry all the time and I spend so much time thinking about meals. It's not the best way to spend one's time.
... Anyway, yeah. I don't know who I am or where I'm going with myself. I know I have specific interests and hobbies, I like particular things...but what makes someone a person? No one around me is interested in the kinds of things I like anymore and that's kind of lonely. I can talk to my partner about them, but it's like talking at someone versus with them a lot of the time. I'm sure he feels that way when he's talking about his interests with me too, but he has friends that he can participate in his hobbies with and hype him up. My friends either aren't very interested or find my interests offputting, I don't know. And that's the thing; I don't know much of anything anymore. All the certainty I had about who I was is gone now. I guess that can happen when you break through your own image and do something you thought you weren't capable of. I guess it can happen after a full-blown mental breakdown like I had back in October too. It felt like waking up with no identity and I guess I never shook the feeling. Maybe it's just lack of connection masquerading as uncertainty.
Honestly it's so hard to connect with people right now that I just kind of can't. We'll invite someone over and I'll have every intention of trying to open up a meaningful conversation, but I just don't get there anymore. I don't even try, I just sit around and listen or check out completely and do my own thing. In some ways, I'm not sure how much I really care, deep down, to try to get close to friends again. I keep thinking, "will I hurt them too?" or "why even bother? I don't want to go through that again." Sure, I'd do it all over just to experience the good parts...but I'm not sure I'd want to run the risk of being a disappointment again. It's like I'm good enough at masking to fool people into being interested in what I have to offer, but once they see who I really am, there's nothing of value or interest there. It's like I'm repulsive or something. Am I annoying? I definitely talked too much back then. Oh well. It doesn't matter, and I'll never really know anyway.
Looking in the mirror is like looking at a blank canvas, and I don't start paintings often because the possibility of what could be or what could fail is too much.
Why does knowing me more lead to loving me less, time after time after time?
Honestly I'm not depressed though. I'm pretty content with how things are. They could be worse, but they could be better and that's what I'm working on for now. It's actually quite positive. I try to be a lot more positive now, just in case I change my mind. At least I won't be as upsetting to be around and that's good.
I used to think having a lot of empathy, being supportive, and being myself would be good enough but uhm...yeah. I guess it could be if you have other redeeming qualities but I'm struggling to think of any. I'll have to try and come up with a list of things I want to be and go from there. I also think I've regressed a little bit; I feel simultaneously more old and wise than ever, and so lost. But I'm nowhere near as miserbable and weak as I was before. I'm more resilient now, and I have choices I didn't have then. I'm just not sure I'm ready to make any. I hope there are still opportunities to meet people when I have more confidence.